I haven’t written in quite some time, college life has been at the forefront of my life. Everything else, except my faith falls further down the list. There have also been other issues as well. One of which is depression, often around this time of year the depression seems to wrap its arms around me in a un-wanted bear hug. Its tight and heavy all at the same time.
It becomes difficult to keep the perspective or outlook on life that I normally encourage others to have. It becomes increasingly difficult to get out of bed each time. Yet like a robot, my feet hit the floor, I shower, get dressed, brush my teeth and go on with my day.
I force myself to not isolate myself from others, but it is all the more tempting to shut down and with draw into the dark nights of the soul. The tears seem to fall from no where and no reason, yet it feels good to release and let go. The second layer to this season is the ever increasing amounts of anger. I don’t remember being filled with such anger and frustration. Probably not since I was a punk kid.
But I can’t deny this time in my life, as much as I wish I could switch things off, I realize that the only thing I can enter these dark nights holding the flame of God in my hands. In the words of the prophet Isaiah:”The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shone.” (9:2, ESV)
I wish that there were easy answers, solutions and satisfying blanket statements. But there aren’t, sometimes life is a really pain deep in the gut. Sometimes all you can do is scream and find ways to cope. But I also hold fast to the belief that God gives a shit. He has and always will. Its our choice to open ourselves up to him and let him do what he will as the grand artist of our souls.
Hang on, hold fast. This season will pass and the warmth will some embrace us again. In the mean time, embrace all the chances for growth, intimacy and community. In this we find our strength and purpse.