I’ve never really felt that I was ever good a relationships, in any fashion. Can you relate? Regardless of the context, there has long been the nagging feeling that I was a relational disaster. Even in every day friendships it is easy to feel like I am doing more harm then good. I’ve noticed that I don’t communicate as well as I should, or that I don’t communicate clearly enough.
Many times the thought has come to me, to remove myself from society as a whole. Not in a suicidal way of thinking, but that perhaps civilizations or my immediate community would be better off with me. Sure, I know that I have much to offer others, but all the more I feel so deeply toxic to others.
This is completely irrational, I know, but its still something that myself and others that struggle the same must deal with, interact with and cope with. So many things in my character have been revealed lately. I have have jealously issues, I tend to rush into things and then things turn into a giant cluster fuck.
Then the internal dialogue begins,
Great job brandon, you stupid fuck! You did it again!
Haven’t you learned the first time?
Then I ram my head against a wall numerous times… actually no I don’t. But the thought it still there. Its hard to show, grace and compassion to myself. Its hard to be kind to yourself when you feel like you deserve all the mess that comes your way. Its also hard when you feel that you have so much love to give, that it all comes flowing out all at once. The down side is that it can be too much for people and they run away because, the honest to God to truth is that I’ve fucked things up again.