I’ve been trying to find the words, words to describe what this depression feels like. For the fact that I can’t describe to anyone else. But the image that came to mind tonight was a dark tunnel with light at the end of. The catch is though, is that there is someone stuck underneath all the rubble. Most of the person’s body is covered, except a portion of the arm and hand.
It would be easy to think, “oh, just focus on crawling out from under and towards the light”. While that is some what of obvious answer, the reality still stands that the persons pinned down and they might not have the strength to escape. They might have the air in the lungs to yell for help.
This is what it feels like for me, in this moment.
I just got home from jiujitsu practice, and every thing went well. My mood after was great and all was well in my world. But as soon as I sit down to eat some lunch, the feelings of sadness, shame, guilt, regret, loneliness and so many other elements return. Being a psychology major, I tend to see a lot of my life through that perspective. We tend to want to find the root of certain difficulties in our lives and the lives others.
But I don’t actually know the root to this pain, apart from some relational brokenness that I feel is in place. I feel that this pain is here because it can be. Sometimes you simply have to let seasons pass, it doesn’t matter how clean you eat, how much exercise or human interaction you have. Sometimes you have to let things run their course.
Despite these difficult circumstances, there is solace in my life. The other day I was having a weekly coffee meeting with a buddy of mine. I sat across from you, slowly and softly telling him all that was going on inside of me. Before I knew it tears were flying down my face, my friend reached into his coat pocket and gave me something to dry my eyes with.
He looked at me and compassionately informed me that I was a priority in his life. It honestly the most healing things I’ve heard from another human being in a long time. The other way I am receiving solace in my life, is allowing Abba (God-Daddy in Hebrew) love me and speak to me in the quiet hours of the night. As I lay there on my bed, he whispers “I love you my son, I’m not leaving you.”
It’s affirming to the soul, to know that you and I are loved from above and below. By God and by friends. Hold onto these truths. The sun will shine again.