Day 3: Fighting Back

Yesterday was a huge success, the Lord gave me the strength to resist and fight back. I am filled with joy that He is so faithful. Today however, this particular moment is filled with a bit of temptation to cope in Unhealthy ways.

The good news is, I have noticed the trigger and rather than giving in. I am going to sit with tension, wrestle with it even. I refuse to let this win any longer. It will not be my master. But I will master it.

I want to reiterate that there is hope, that things can get better. Even when people tell you they can’t. A new future, a new mind a new heart and new eyes are possible. You simply have to choose fight. You’re not alone in the fight. You were never meant to be.

If you have an hour to burn, please read this book:

http://www.artofmanliness.com/2014/10/09/how-to-quit-porn/

Motivate and fight my friends.

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Day 3: Fighting Back

Day 2: Fighting Back

Well, yesterday was a failure and victory all at the same time. While I fell again, I did not beat myself up in the process. Instead I repented and asked for forgiveness and fixed my eyes on the Lord. This was truly a victory for me, because I would wallow in my shame, regret and sorrow.

A friend of mine is going to be setting a password on my computer with a program called K-9. Which is anti porn software. I’ve tried XXX Church’s program, but I find it complicated and not worth the seven bucks a month. Anti-porn software is a start, but the real work lies in dealing with the triggers that make a person crave whatever they’re addicted to.

For example, if you fear the future or worry about not having enough money. It can then seem logical to run to what “soothes” us the the most. But it’s not really soothing when they bring us momentary fixes. Only the presence of God and his mercy can give us the freedom we desire.

Two ideas that come mind: When it comes to fighting addiction, we need to approach it with speed and violence of action. That doesn’t mean we harm ourselves, but that we do what it takes to bring our addiction and destructive habits into submission.

The second idea is, I’ve been listening to a song called “beautiful things” by Gungor, I must confess that it s still very hard to see myself as a beautiful thing, because I mess up so much. It’s hard to see myself as God see’s me. My prayer for this year, is that I (and others) would see and believe this beautiful reality.fighting_back

 

 

 

Day 2: Fighting Back

Day 1: Fighting Back

I have decided to start posting each day that my eyes and mind don’t consume porn. I’m doing this in spite of fear, ridicule and rejection. No matter how people view me or what they think. I’ve made it 90 days before and with God’s help I’ll do it again. That being said, here we go.

Day 1

I’m wrestling with the idea of this is an actual addiction, or simply a dirty habit. After all, it’s not really interfering with my life in massive ways. But man, does my mind and body crave it.The temptation comes between early mornings and when I know i’ll be alone for awhile.

The truth is, I know I’m far better than this. Better, meaning that I am not better than anyone else, but better in the sense that I am better than this addiction, vice, habit whatever we want to call this thing.  Regardless I don’t want this thing to interfere in my life down the road. I honestly believe that real freedom is possible.

Even though my insides scream other wise, I could sit here and feel sorry for myself, I could think of every justification. But that is rubbish, it’s all filth. It’s time to clinch these fists and fight.images

Day 1: Fighting Back

Confronting The Double Standard

 

I can’t pin point the exact time anxiety came into my life; all I can tell you is that it has been in my life for quite some time. From little to severe. Little, as in the nagging feeling inside you that every one is upset with you and it would be better for you not to be apart of human existence. Or on the extreme side of things when your chest becomes tight, your breath becomes short and have a hard time controlling the speed your mind races at. Living with anxiety has seemed like an impossible puzzle in my life. Things seem hopeless when nothing seems to work, right? Even sitting in front of a professional counselor can see like a waste of time. Worse yet, when living with anxiety we can throw depression into the mix. And the both seem to work off each other in strange ways.

At this rate, it seems easier to start digging your grave and laying in it, right? I’m not so sure, you see as much as I am flooded with suicidal thoughts, I don’t actually want to die. I’m actually just scared and don’t feel like there are any solutions to the problems at hand. I think others are like that too, were all scared and afraid to admit that life is spinning out of control. I’ll admit that here and now, I’ll admit that the future scares me and that I want nothing more then to hide from society. But maybe it’s those of us that want to hide that the world needs most. After all the most amazing lessons in life can come from those who we least expect.

Call me crazy, but I don’t think what we need are more suicides, or people living in silence because they live with anxiety, depression or any other form of mental illness. What we first need is the courage to confess that these forms of suffering have had their ways with us for long enough. What we need is for people to actually listen, what we need is for people to jump to conclusions but to seek understanding. I believe were all looking for answers as to why mental illness in any capacity exists and how we can eradicate it from our lives. Some on the endless pages of the internet claimed that they have, whether that is true or not is beyond my knowledge. There’re even those in Christian communities that claim that God healed them of whatever mental illness they were faced with in their lives, whether that is true or not is not for me to know. As a Christian, devoted to following Christ. I do believe that Jesus healed on the pages of the new testament. I even believe that he still heals today, it might just not look the same as it does in various media outlets or conferences. Being a Christian and living with anxiety can sometimes seem counter productive, aren’t Christian’s meant to be the most joyful people alive? Well, that really depends one how one looks at joy. If you presume, that joy is always someone smiling and jumping for joy, I don’t believe that is the fullest reality.

Joy does not always have to have outward expressions; joy can sometimes be a quiet radiance. A knowing that a king knows your pain, that you are loved, forgiven and that the greatest reality is yet to come. As a Christian living with anxiety, I have come to realize that it doesn’t matter how I feel about myself on any given day, it doesn’t change the fact that I am loved and that nothing can separate me from the father’s love (verse here). It’s also tempting as a Christian living with anxiety, to try harder and do more. In order for God to love me. It’s interesting to me how the most well meaning pastors say “if you just made Jesus the center of your life, then you wouldn’t be anxious.” That sounds well and good, but we don’t say that to people who are diagnosed with cancer. In fact that would be a slap in the face, because there are many devout believers that have faced the grim reality of cancer, only to be swallowed up by it. Yet they did not seize in living a life of prayer and various spiritual disciplines.

See the double standard here? We cannot allow it to exist any longer without calling it for what it is. Bullshit.

Confronting The Double Standard

Fighting My Addiction Part 2

I believe that one of the hardest elements of fighting any addiction, be it porn, sex, food, drugs or what have you. Is actually believing that you can fight back against it. The truth is that when we have been bogged down by addictive patterns for so long it can be extremely difficult to believe that anything better can become of your life.

Being that I fight my own addiction daily (porn), there was a time when I deeply believed that I couldn’t break free from the grasp that addiction had on my life. So I basically surrendered myself to this addiction, believing that it was now my master. Eventually though, I became sick of looking at pornography and quickly realized that it was never really that satisfying as people made it sound.

And if we’re honest, we might very well say the same thing. We also have to remember that simply because people choose porn over a real person, yes very little to do with them actually  being “satisfied” and more to do with the wiring in their brains being so high jacked.

There are some therapists who claim that there are some people, whose brains will never be the same because of how much exposure they have had to pornography. While that might be true, it does not mean that things cannot get better. Far too many in medical/ helping professions have very little belief in faith and what inner strength and courage can actual do.

When I first started walking away my own addiction, it was the most difficult challenge I have ever had to face. Everyday that I fought the temptation grew stronger. There were many times when I had no choice but to get on my knees and cry out to God for help. There were many times when I would call a friend or spend lots of time in the gym. Anything to get myself through the tempting moments. Slowly but surely, days started to stack on top of one another.

By God’s grace, my desire to look at poronagraphy became less and less. And I began to desire a real relationship, with a real woman. Change is possible, healing is possible, hope is possible. You just have to be willing to commit to a daily fight. One that you will not win on your own.

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Fighting My Addiction Part 2

Fighting My Addiction

keep-craving-in-checkAs a psychology major, one area of study that has caught my attention of the last few years is substance abuse. Also known as chemical dependency. Ironically enough, Christians have questioned why a biblically centered college has a program like this.

Shouldn’t it be obvious? Every single one of us is addicted to something, the question then lies in whether we know it to be true of ourselves and whether we are willing to admit it as well.

What’s my addiction then? Pornograpy, yes I am a Christian and I struggle daily against the temptation to view pornography. How hypocritical right? I’m not afraid to say so myself, the fact is no is consistent with how they live their lives all the time.

I am not proud of having this vice in my life, in any way. Yes I’m aware that sex is a gift. One to be enjoyed and even to be longed for. But in a certain context. The context of marriage with a real person. The research is very clear that pornography is extremely harmful to the brain

http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/9-things-you-should-know-about-pornography-and-the-brain

The amount of shame, guilt and regret that has stemmed from this has almost been too much. God’s grace has been the only way that I have gotten through this. It hasn’t been easy, I’ve made it over 90 days without it in my life. However, I have recently relapsed back into the habit again.

It’s sucks and I feel horrible about it, but I’m not giving up the fight. And neither should you. I don’t care if you addicted to overeating, and you recently filled your stomach with so much food you couldn’t get out of bed the next day. Get back on the saddle.

The last thing we need to is to enter a cycle of self hatred and abuse. Know that you are forgiven and cleansed.

 

 

Fighting My Addiction

Love Like A Dog

For as long as I can remember, there has been a particular love inside for animals. Primarily dogs. I can remember when I was a kid, I’d sit outside in my wheelchair and wait for the school bus. The family that lived next to us had a very special looking German Shepherd.

One morning while I was waiting outside, that very dog came and sat next to me. And it didn’t move until I left for school. From that point on every morning I couldn’t wait to see this dog again. It was as if the dog longed to see me too. It’s no wonder it’s believed that a dog is a man’s best friend, or in this case a boys.

Even when the dog wasn’t there some mornings, it was like my friend was missing from my life. Since that point I have grown attached to a handful of other dogs that have lived in my families home. Each dog has been a shadow and a companion.

When I had a major operation on my legs once, the dog I had at the time was named Duke. He would lay next to my legs that were both casted. He wouldn’t move. And when I would be in the bathtub, he would either lay by the door until I came out or he would lay by the tub and lick the water from my arm.

To an extant, Duke and the other animals in my life have been the greatest examples of unconditional love. More so than humans at times . Yes I know they poop and pee on things we love. But they are dependant on us humans, in the ways we need to be dependant on one another in our daily lives.

I just wish that humans could resemble the love that a dog freely gives. One of my favorite writers Anne Lamott once wrote that a dog is the closest thing we will see to God while on this earth. I agree with her.

We all could love more. And love better.

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Love Like A Dog