Speaking of Self-Love (A Poem)

Self-love is something our society puts such a high price on.

Love yourself before you love anyone else.

Find happiness in yourself

Which is true, to an extent.

But I wonder, if like everything else in life,

things and people fall short of what they were

meant to be and do.

Even with all the self-love in the world,

lies the need for community. Hands upon our shoulders

in tough times, words of affirmation love and assurance.

Yet without the love and affirmation of others, the soul is like a flower that lacked in vitality.

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Speaking of Self-Love (A Poem)

Why I have Always Wanted To Be A Navy Seal.

I have always had a strong admiration for navy seals, and all special forces units to be fair. I would always tell my dad, even at the age of thirty-two about my desire to be a navy seal. My dad’s response:

“You’d be one dead seal..”

Thanks pops!

So, what is it about being a navy seal that sticks out to me so much? Is it the weapons? Yes, Is it the diverse ways that they can approach a mission? You bet, but more importantly, they’re the world’s most bad ass dudes on the planet who are so mentally tough.

It’s the mentally tough aspects to them, that I admire so deeply. In life, I want to be able to endure the hardest situations and still have my focus and poise.  Navy seals persevere and find a way to keep going.

Yet the honest to God truth is that I am not as mentally strong as I’d like to be. In fact, I break under the threat of anxiety, depression and negative self-talk.  More often than night I want to quit and let the three obstacles mentioned above have their victory.

But I don’t quit despite what comes my way, I may want to but by Gods grace (unmerited favor) and love I find a way to get back, to find a way to persevere.

And you can too!

Over time, I truly believe that we can become mentally tougher. First, it starts by knowing the threat in front you, who or what you are facing and how they will attack your weaknesses.  If you don’t know who the enemy is and how they will attack you. You have lost already.

Secondly, as cliche as this is, you need to be accountable, you need to have a team of people beside you, behind you and in front of you. Sometimes that can be hard to find, but you can never win a battle on your own. You must learn to trust your team and know that they have your back.

In summary, you can become mentally stronger, as well as all other areas of your life. But it starts with knowing yourself and how you can improve. Then, we find a squad that can help us defeat the enemies in front of us so that we can stand in victory.

 

 

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Why I have Always Wanted To Be A Navy Seal.

Losing..

I feel so tired emotionally, mentally and spiritually. The past week or so I have felt such great negative energy around me, it leaves me drained, in one sense it leaves me wanting to be the Lord and in another sense, it leaves me feeling like I should consider going into hiding somewhere.

Much time has been spent in prayer and reading of scripture, yet there has been a nagging sense that I need to do more. Do in the sense that I need to do X, Y, and Z in order for God to love me.

Now I know deep down that this is not truth, it is not grace. It is slavery and my best efforts as a human being are like toilet paper after you have wiped your butt. The past weeks I have not felt that I have God’s unmerited favor, which is what grace is. Instead, I feel like I have to earn God’s approval, his peace, his justification and so on.

I know all the language, the do’s and dont’s, I know how to put on the church face. I know how to do it all. And to be honest, I’m sick of it all. I just want Jesus. But even with a statement like that, it’s bound to get some backlash.  “You can’t just have Jesus Brandon, you need A, B, and C too!”

It’s all so frustrating, I never feel like I am good enough as a Christian these days. And in a lot of ways, I’m not, and won’t until Christ returns.  I know I have to pursue holiness while in this body. I’m trying, and sometimes it seems like Christians can add more bricks than needed.

I’m tired, worn out and tired of feeling like I’m losing Gods amazing grace.

Losing..

When Your Not Actually A Burden

Someone recently asked what my greatest struggle was, in regards to having cerebral palsy.  I stopped and thought about my response, (as everyone should do). As I was thinking, it occurred to me that it wasn’t the amount of physical pain that I have to endure some days or the fact that I use crutches or even a wheelchair. It was more the fact that I have I have felt like a burden in the past.

The only thing that I have yet to do, on my own is drive. Yes, I am aware that there are adaptations, but my startle reflex is bad, that even with adaptations I’d ram into someone. Am I completely giving up on trying? No, but I have been told by doctors that driving is not safe for me.

As such, I still have to ask for rides to go from place to place. A lot of times it doesn’t feel very good to ask for rides, because that means that they have me to tag along with them. For me, it could be that my mind races with various thoughts and feelings, it could be a thought as simple as “I feel horrible taking up their time, what if they have better things to do.” Or worse yet  “If I didn’t have CP then they wouldn’t have to deal with me.”

I know, it’s self-pity, but these are the real thoughts and feelings that have flown through the mental, emotional and even spiritual aspects of my being. Sometimes it feels like it’s all at once. When this happens, I often raise my fist toward God and blame Him for the life that I have.

But honestly, He has been pretty damn good to me, without my adaptive requirements. I wouldn’t be able to do have the things that I am doing now. Furthermore, I am thankful for everyone that has ever helped me get somewhere. The fact is, like anyone else I have really crappy days. Yet I try and pick myself off the ground by Gods grace.

The hope that I do have, though, is that all this “burden” **** is a lie, if you are like me and have struggled with driving unless you have a hundred percent proof that you can’t do it.You probably shouldn’t, but if you can still try, you should. And that goes for any goal in life. One should never feel ashamed by the physically challenged community for doing something on their timeline.

For it is your journey and no one else’s, and if people are not willing to help you. It’s their problem and loss more than anything because they missed out on the blessing of being in your life.

You matter. Don’t let anyone take that from you.serveimage

 

When Your Not Actually A Burden

As A Man

I want to go on a journey of self-mastery.

I want to be in better control of my thoughts and emotions.

I want to say goodbye bye to childish behavior.

I want to know truth self-confidence.

I want to know what it’s like to live with insecurity and fear.

I want to disconnect

I want to know adventure and freedom.

Lord help me on this journey- on knowing what is to be a man.serveimage

 

 

As A Man

An Update On My First Book

My first book: The Emotional Struggle, is now an internationally known book. As it is currently making it’s way to Ireland!

If you haven’t read it yet, please feel free to do so. Here is also a recent review:

read this book. This book is raw and open about the life of Brandon and his struggle with his “disability” and his walk with Jesus and IT WAS PHENOMENAL!!! i will journey to the next book you wrote!! I loved your complete honesty and all of your quotes, it literally opened my eyes to how your perception of how people look at you and how you have felt and probably still feel. Life is literally a persecution when you love and live for Christ, regardless if we backslide a bit or not, we all do. But dang, I LOVED THIS BOOK!  -Carla Vice

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Purchase copy here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1434348113/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=31933057530&hvpos=1t1&hvnetw=s&hvrand=9081708957811739779&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=e&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1023191&hvtargid=kwd-6817054661&ref=pd_sl_jr1dfs8fm_e

 

 

An Update On My First Book

My Heart for The Special Needs Community- And The Real Problem

As a person who has lived with cerebral palsy for thirty-two years, my heart has in particular gone out to those with special needs. Be it mental or physical, I can remember being in junior high and asking for permission to leave my last class, just so I could go down to the special needs classroom and help in any way that I could.

I loved these kids, I’ll never forget how some of their faces would light up whenever I would come into the classroom. It saddened me that they had to have their own classroom away from the rest of the school, but that’s another entry all in itself. These kids were like my own, they were a part of me it seemed. It takes people with big and calm hearts to work with them because it can be very taxing mentally and physically.

I have always felt protective of these people, and probably will until the day I die. In the last few days, I have lost my mind over the fact that four black young adults kidnapped a white man with special needs, they beat and toured him. All because he apparently supported Donald trump. I was angry and wanted to get my hands on each person involved.

Personally, I think that the book should be thrown at them, the same way the book SHOULD have been thrown and the two white idiots that assaulted a young man with special needs and happened to be black. Both sides should have had equal consequence, but being that we live in a fallen world, our justice system does not run as well oiled as it should and that truly frustrates me.

As human beings, created in the image of God (Genesis 1) we should rage against this evil acts regardless of political, racial, social and sexual orientation. Quite simply, there should be the same reaction of disgust from either side, not finding ways to lessen what was done in the name of hate. Furthermore, CNN should be ashamed of themselves for allow reporter Sara Ganim to laugh at what was done to the white young man with special needs. Shame on you CNN!

American people wake the fuck up! Our actions on either side are only making this country worse.  When are we going to stop fighting against each other? When are we going to come to the realization that political and social issues are only a smokescreen for the real problem, our hearts?

The sooner we realize this the better.. But until we do, we will continually be sucked deeper and deeper into ourselves.

 

 

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My Heart for The Special Needs Community- And The Real Problem